I bloody love Christmas! I am such a child and love the whole excitement but I also love tradition and I love the opportunity to make things special for everybody. I like to try new recipes and create the most stunning Christmas table ever, to add sparkle to our world! But what I love the most is that regardless of how distant my growing children are now in their busy, socially chaotic lives, everything suddenly stops…..and we are a closed unit again. It doesn’t matter if there are 8 or 18 of us under my roof, I have my husband and my babies here and we are all focused on our own little quirks and traditions, and together: it is wonderful, it is magical.
The build up to Christmas is all part of the fun and the magic. This year it was fraught with fear; I felt like I was living on a knife edge and the under lying stress was immense! I put on a brave face and was as excited as ever, but I was totally consumed with the fear that it would all be too much for Maddy and I was so scared that she would crumble under the pressure and not see Christmas, or spend it on an emergency admission in some random unit.
But today is 28th December: she has had some seriously fragile moments but we made it! She held on and battled through and I am so proud of her and so very, very grateful to have her here. We had a wonderful Christmas: we spent it with family that a year ago, before the death of my beautiful mother in law, we were estranged from and it felt good, it felt right.
So now we face two epic events for her: tomorrow is the 7th anniversary of my darling mum’s death. It was death of her beloved grandma, her soul mate, that served as Maddy’s trigger for her mental illness when she was just 7 years old. That means it’s also a year tomorrow that she made probably the most serious attempt on her life. Then in early January, and this is the big one for Maddy, it will be a year since she lost her very special friend Rachel. It’s undoubtedly a difficult time and CAMHS are all over us like a rash (Thank god). But my girl is strong and I believe she can get through this. I have to hold on to that belief and hope that the magic that is Christmas stays with us for just a while longer…….
Stay strong x
My Suicidal Daughter 